Some things money can't buy

You know, I dearly love my town. It's so weird. The weirdness is particularly evident at the pre-movie commercials at our local theater, where they run ads for things like urgent care and the Episcopal church and insurance. But the pre-movie ads went further than ever before, the other day, when we had one for a free physics lecture.

The good doctor, today, is in search of A-4 paper. This is the European format, and he needs it to submit his thesis to Oxford. Therefore, I have been calling all the office supply stores here and in Santa Fe. A-4 paper cannot be had for love or money, except online.

I dialed into an office supply store, noting the faddy tagline, "that was easy." I tumbled into an automated phone system and landed in some hold music, assured that my call was very important to them. A man finally picked up.
"Hello, my name is C-- and I wondered if you had A-4 paper in stock."
"Um, I don't know... let me check for you."
We had some more hold music.
"May I help you?" It was a woman's voice.
"I believe someone is already helping me. I didn't catch his name. He's going to check on A-4 paper."
"I'll go check."
The hold music started again.
"May I help you?" It was a different woman's voice.
"I'm the one calling about the A-4 paper..."
"I'll go check for you."
Enter hold music, stage right. Meanwhile, my phone rang, so I put them on hold. When I got back they'd hung up on me.

So I called them back. The first guy answered.
"I'm so sorry, I'm new to the Santa Fe store... I don't know the phone system...I'm from Albuquerque.."
"No problem! Were you able to find about that A-4 paper for me?"
"We do have it online. Let me check if we've got it in stock."
He tried to put me on hold and accidentally hung up on me.

I called him back.
"I'm the one calling about the A-4 paper..."
"I'm SO SORRY!"
"It's all right! Let me give you my name and phone number, and then you can call me back when you find it."
"All right!"

A bit later the phone rang.
"Dr. M's office, this is C."
"Is C-- available?"
"Yes, speaking."
"Ah. --I checked and it's online only."
"Thanks so much!"
And we both hung up, to our mutual relief, I'm sure.

Then I started down a list of office supply stores in Santa Fe, or businesses that might or might not be office supply stores. It was pretty entertaining.

"Hello, my name is C-- and I wondered if you had A-4 paper in stock."
"Hello, my name is C-- and we don't make A-4 paper. We make hand-pounded bark paper."
"Thank you."

"Can you tell me if you have A-4 paper in stock?"
"What?"
"A-4 paper?"
"Is that like 8 1/2 by 11?"
"No, it's a European size."
"No."
"Thank you."

"Can you tell me if you have A-4 paper in stock?"
"What?"
"A-4 paper?"
"I have no idea what that is." ::goes and looks:: "No, we don't have any."
"Thanks."

"Do you have A-4 paper in stock?"
"No, we don't sell paper."

"Do you have A-4 paper in stock?"
"No, that's a European size."

"Fidel's Kwik Tan."
"Ah...is Fidel's Office Supply available?"
"Speaking."
"Do you have A-4 paper?"
"No ma'am, we don't."
"Thanks."

To date, I have not found A-4 paper. The saga continues...