The lipstick jungle: or, fat lips

I know fat lips are in style, but they've never particularly encroached on my life. Edna in The Incredibles calls models "Sticks with big poofy lips," and as long as the lips stay on the models, I'm perfectly happy. For various presents, I've gotten "lip exploder," which is a good novelty item--furnishes one with an entertaining mental image. (No, not the lip exploder! No! Yes, I shall use the lip exploder unless you tell me your deep dark secret! Never! Pow! Ayee!)

But then Saturday Mom and I decided to buy lipstick for the wedding. I feel that I've had a cultural experience.

We went to the Clinique makeup counter at Dillards, mostly because Grandma buys Clinique and I get her free samples and like them. I was visualizing a leisurely makeover-style session, where the expert beautician learns that I'm getting married, and brings out lipsticks and glosses in an array of delicate pastels and charming jewel tones, and proceeds to try them on me until we, in close consultation, pick the very best one. I then trip away, assured of my fairy-tale-princess-hood.

It wasn't quite what I had in mind. The girl started by criticizing the makeup I had on and trying to talk me into buying the whole line of Clinique products. I fended her off by stating that my sister was my beauty consultant and I couldn't do that without her. Just lipstick, please. She lectured me on the importance of highlighting either eyes or lips and finally seated me in a stool kind of hidden behind stacks of Clinique samples with no mirror anywhere in sight. I seated Mama in a chair opposite, so I could see her reactions and the girl couldn't.

She pulls out a "bamboo" lipliner and a "pink goddess" sparkly lipstick. She starts in with the liner, and I can't actually see anything, but I'm pretty sure I don't have that much lip. She adds the lipstick. "There you go!" she says. She grabs a handheld mirror.

The color is pretty good, but it extends about halfway down my chin! And way up above my upper lip! I love my lips (::insert musical interlude::), but I liked the ones God gave me! With this, I look like--I look like--ew!!!

"The liner is what gives your lips depth and volume," she says. Depth and volume, indeed.

"Can I try on something pinker?" I ask.

"You don't want anything pinker, I think. You'll be on stage--under those lights--it wouldn't show."

Oh. I didn't want anything pinker.

She didn't volunteer any other colors, either.

Mom spoke up. "I think that is a really good color on you."

"Would you recommend I get it now, or think about it?" I say.

Mom thought I could go ahead and get it. "If you wind up not wearing it for the actual wedding, you'll have lots of other opportunities this spring for good lipstick."

So I got it.

I went straight into the ladies room and repaired the damage. It had never occurred to me you could get that much square footage of lipstick on a face my size. Furthermore, makeup artists ought to be able to color in the lines. Mom tried to console me by saying that fat lips are really in style, and no doubt most of the girls she works on want their lips bigger.

I was not consoled. But it is a good color.