The most recent battle in the war of the couches

The Battle of September 24, 2005

And it came to pass in the great War of the Couches, being prosecuted by the valiant men of the two Hills, Oak and Red, that exhilarated by the joyous occasion of a bobtism, the men of Dorm Five undertook a great battle. So those of the Dorm Five mustered their forces from wing and from lounge, eschewed the domestic pleasures of movies and computer games for the sterner joys of battle, armed themselves with pillows, and gathered in the central hall. The great leaders Jonathan Kanary and Joshua Dispenza, having in their persons no less cunning than those leaders Jonathan and Joshua of Scriptural fame, ordered their troops to complete silence on the journey from one end of the dorms to the other. The weapons ranged from War Leader Dispenza’s huge pillow, covered in leopard spots and so large only a man of his vast strength could lift it, to a wide selection of well-used and even almost-new pillows, and one of a bright turquoise shade belonging to his roommate. The soldiers also wisely removed their glasses, handing them to a trio of noncombatants and war reporters, namely Onomatopoeia, Paronomasia, and Chuckles.

So a great army passed along the road. They paused in front of Dorm Four, then charged. It took the men of Dorm Four some time to respond. Eventually they gathered themselves and great was the fighting. The main battle raged on the tile; it was fought up the stairs, step by whacking step. Strategist Jonathan Bales held the top of the stairs against the enemy for no brief time, and at another point Kanary engaged in single combat with Tobin Duby the Valiant, whose exploits as the Vagabond will be remembered from last year.

But soon the fight died down. Dorm Four was subdued, and Dorm Five withdrew at their leisure. They returned halfway to their dorms and stopped before Monticello. They turned and charged back to Dorm Four, thinking Dorm Four would return the favor, but Dorm Four’s defenders melted into the dorm as mist before the sun.

Dorm Five returned and made preparations for the retaliation. They cleared all breakables from their central hall and stood guard. But to their dismay, the mist of Dorm Four refused to congeal.

They sent messengers to Dorm Four, requesting their presence. The messengers were rebuffed, their credentials demanded. The messengers pointed out Dorm Four’s cowardice and gave many excellent reasons to do their duty. Dorm Four claimed to have won and refused to continue the battle, as they were outnumbered. The messengers, puzzled but remembering their duty, returned to Dorm Five.

So the War Leaders of Dorm Five took counsel, and all their forces were divided into three parts. The first consisted of the strategist Bales, wily as Odysseus, and Daniel Turner, who balks at nothing, and the three messengers. The second group, led by Jeremy Croft, stood guard at their own citadel lest Dorm Four send a sneak attack. And the third group under the War Leaders Kanary and Dispenza went behind the dorms and came to the great front entry of Dorm Four, gathering there.

In this second battle, the men of Dorm Four were again defeated. There was a great melee and the outcome was in doubt, when Aaron Carlson burst in. The men of Dorm Four took heart and a great shout arose, and they resolved within and amongst themselves to drive them out. Everyone joined the battle with renewed vigor. The defenders in Dorm Four were promptly driven back to their own lounge, where the contested couch (that piece of spoil being granted thereto by the Authorities, never to be removed again) resides. War Leader Dispenza, with his leopard-spotted weapon, took out Aaron Carlson. They both fell out the front door, Dispenza getting Carlson in a head lock.

Jeremy “The Hammer” Hamrick came late to the battle, but entered it with full vigor. Unfortunately, he misidentified some of his cohorts as enemy combatants and accidentally laid into them. His error was soon discovered, and he became a great asset to Dorm Five’s side.

The war was still going with great oomph and valor when Security Guard Matt Roche came. Tidings of the battle had reached the nearby village, and lest we disturb them in any way Roche demanded that the battle proceed in silence. The fulfillment of his duty—and, indeed, the justice of his order—filled every soul with appreciation. Both sides laid down their weapons and applauded one another, and the men of Red Hill returned to their own place, still victorious.